I want..

I want to eat everything in sight. 😕

Ughhhh!

Still still struggling. Let's face it, I'm not really trying right now.

I am in the process of filing for guardianship of my 10 year old grandson. His mom left him here with me about six months ago. No discussion about her plan for him, when she plans to take him back, and very little help with food and expenses. I've asked her a number of times about this and for help, but she just never responds. I am happy to take care of him and feels it's for the best. My daughter is an alcoholic and has not taken the best care of him.

I've been really stressed about all this. Especially lately, because she will be served paperwork about the court hearing and my intent. Not sure how she will react. When she drinks, she is very verbally abusive towards me. So much so, that I kicked her out because I was worried it would be a small step to physical violence. I worry she will come get him, and since I have no legal grounds yet, I can't keep her from taking him. I worry if she does that, she will fail to get him to school regularly again, that she will get drunk and leave him to his own devices again.

I have been eating all that worry.

Anyway, I will be glad when we get past the court hearing in March.

In the meanwhile, I know I have to take my weight loss seriously. I've gained a few more pounds and I can really feel it in my knees, feet and legs from carrying all this weight.

Still here

So, money in the bank is non-existence, food is low and payday is 5 days away.

Not an unusual thing around here, now that I have my 10 year old grandson living with me.

That being said, not a lot of healthy eating happening. Since he got tired of all the plain boring pasta with butter, he's been eating a lot of waffles. He won't eat the canned or even the homemade chili from the freezer, so that's what I've had. Really, chili is not so bad and I feel fine that I'm getting something healthy.  I had refrigerator oatmeal for lunch yesterday, it was a nice change of pace.

I put in some frozen blueberries and banana slices, along with ground flax seed and chia seeds. Healthy, right?

I was worried about all the pasta, but this morning I found I lost the extra 3 pounds I recently gained.

I really am putting forth an extra effort not to eat late at night, have just one helping of dinner and avoid late night snacking...OK, OK, no late night meals!

I look in the mirror and get so upset for letting this happen to myself.

Seems I've always had a problem with my weight since puberty. I've been able to lose it pretty good when I set my mind to it, but as soon as stressful stuff in life happens to me, I gain it back. Lately it's gotten really bad and now that I am in menopause, it's really hard to lose. I know I have to increase my exercise and sitting around all day on the weekends and all night after work is not doing me any good.

I hate the way I look, and honestly, it keeps me from going places. I keep to myself at home often and don't go out unless I have to.

Pretty sad, isn't it?

I still have a plan to buy a rowing machine. I researched and found this will give me a pretty good workout all over. Now I just have to afford it.

Who knows when that will be.

Day 2

Day 2.

I was pretty happy with myself yesterday. I usually eat the evening away and didn't last night. 

I took my grandson to the park to ride his bike. I had a nice call with my auntie while he road and enjoyed the sunshine.
My mood today is better then it has been in days. Listening to music and dancing around while doing some housework. Lately, I have only been sitting around watching TV.

So, here is my food for the day...

Breakfast:
Coffee with milk
Waffle with butter and syrup.

Lunch:
Peanut butter and jelly waffle sandwich.

Snack:
Fish and rice.
Crackers
Bone marrow broth.

Dinner:
Pasta and bean salad.

Snack:
Wine.

Really, really want more of that pasta and bean salad.

I didn't exercise at all this weekend. Thought about it...

Something Different

OK, so I have proven lousy at maintaining a program of tracking my calories and have not lost anymore weight. 

I've seen that I can write down what I eat, but it's such a chore to measure, weigh and figure the calories of everything I eat. Let's face it...I just don't want to!

I know two things, I need to exercise more and be more mindful of what I eat.

I decided I am going to buy an inexpensive rowing machine for in the home, try to get out more with my grandson, by taking him to the park and walks.

This will be a struggle for me, as I hate the way I look with this weight and avoid leaving home if I don't have to. Sadly then, I tend to just sit at home a lot.

Now, since I am having such trouble with tracking calories and stuff, I decided that since I have to problem just writing down what I have, that is what I will do...HERE. 

So far, no one has read this blog as it is right now and I don't know if anyone ever will, but I'm hoping this will do the trick and I hope that if anyone does read this, it motivates them. We'll see.

So here we go! 

I started my day with a cup of coffee with stevia sweetener and 2% milk.

I recently started using doTERRA essential oils, and had 3 drops each of lemon, grapefruit, and Slim & Sassy oils, along with 2 On Guard beadlets.

For breakfast I had a smoothie with 2% milk, banana, frozen blue berries, ground flax seed and a vegan chocolate protein powder. I didn't measure anything except the protein powder, but I always make this smoothie in a glass pint jar.

Well, that's it for now. I will edit to add lunch and other meals.

Lunch:
Turkey spam sandwich with pickles, garlic stuffed olives, packaged salad.

Snack:
Toast and cheese.

Dinner:
Rice and fish.

Not doing much

Well, I'm pretty much the same as last check in. I am not doing well at all with tracking my calories. 

I struggle so much with my finances, always worrying about how, when and if I'll get the monthly bills paid. Add to that, I have my nine year old grandson living with me. His mom just left him with me and is living with her boyfriend. She rarely comes to get him to spend time with him and hardly ever calls to see how he's doing. This too adds to my stress. I worry I can manage financially to take care of he and I both, I worry about my daughter. She drinks and I worry all the time that something will happen to her. The last time I saw her, she looked awful. I asked her about it, she said she was fine. What more can I do for her? I let her stay with me for a while, but she would get so drunk and so verbally abusive to me, that I worried it was just a matter of time before she turned physically violent, I kicked her out. This is when she left her son with me.

So...I eat. I really think if I can just get myself to increase my exercise, it will make a huge difference.  

still at it

OK, I'm still at it. Not going to say it's been easy, but I am determined to do this.

I stopped using the AP I previously mentioned and started using the the food tracker with my Fitbit. It adjusts my calorie needs for the day, depending on my activity. I've set it to lose 1.5 pounds a week. I may be taking on more than I can chew, but we'll see.

The two plus pounds I lost are now one plus. I'm OK with that. 

I started lifting weights. Years ago I started a weight training routine, had surgery that prevented me from starting up again for nine months and tried a number of times to make it a routine again, but haven't been able to stick with it. I know part of this weight loss journey needs to involve some kind of weight lifting, so I added all the weights I have on the weight bar and am just dead lifting it. Started out with just 5 reps, when my legs stopped hurting, I increased it to 10 and will keep increasing it as I go. I'm also using hand weights  and doing some arm work. I am starting out with light weights and increasing the reps before I add weight. Just doing the weights has made a big difference in the way my clothes fit. That is great incentive to keep it up.

I also started adding more calories to my first meal of the day. For example, two eggs instead of one, adding a plant based protein powder to a healthy smoothie. 

My biggest problem is the evenings. I feel like I just eat my way thru them. I started using essential oils, specifically grapefruit oil and Slim & Sassy by doTERRA. Both are to help increase my metabolism and help curb hunger some. I think they have been helping with my metabolism but not sure it always curbs my hunger, but I honestly think my emotions are stronger than the oils sometimes. I don't know. I DO know, I will keep at it.